Blog: Casual Slut Shaming

Although in some ways I have probably become less radical in my thinking as I have gotten older, there are other ways in which I am apparently more so–or maybe just less likely to ignore comments that I consider offensive. If you pay attention at all, some form of “slut-shaming” is pervasive, even among those who very likely would not see themselves as doing so.

Two recent examples involved people very close to me. In one, a friend with only sons referred to 15—16-year-old girls as “ho’s” for the way they were dressed and the language they were using toward her similarly-aged sons and their friends. In another, a relative was telling an anecdote about a mutual acquaintance who we both like. He said that she was “dressed like a hooker.” It was surprising coming from this particular man, because he’s one of the most accepting and enlightened people I know. Although I made a brief comment expressing my dislike of his appraisal, the situation was not appropriate for a longer discussion–of the kind that I did have with my friend.

There are many issues that are raised for me here and that I will pick up in later postings (including our feelings about those who receive money to have sex). For now, I will focus on what I call “casual slut shaming”–a topic I will also, no doubt, return to on more than one occasion, because few things bring my blood to a boil more quickly than the language so many of us seem to feel free to use when talking about girls’ and women’s sexuality–and, in particular, the way they dress.

For the purposes of this particular discussion, I’ll focus on teenage girls, particularly those on the younger end of the spectrum. I’ll be frank: I don’t like when 13- and 14-year-old girls spend a lot of time and money dressing in a way that is clearly meant to attract the attention of boys. But my dislike of this kind of thing does not stem from a discomfort with the idea that girls that age are sexual beings–many of them absolutely are, just as boys are. It is natural to have sexual desire. I wish we could all just acknowledge that and move on. My objection is that I believe that most of them are dressing that way because they believe that their value derives from their desirability to boys. Thus, they have learned well the lessons with which they’ve been inundated since they were born: Their bodies are their stock-in-trade. The more attention they receive from boys, the higher their stock rises. Yet many of those adults who acknowledge that girls’ and women’s bodies are objectified in every corner of society–in magazines, songs, videos, TV shows, movies, you name it–and worry about the alarming rates of eating disorders and depression among girls, don’t seem to recognize that this presentation of a highly sexualized self is also a result of that objectification. How can we expect our daughters to have a healthy relationship with their bodies–one in which they can see their bodies for what they are and understand they do not exist for the sole pleasure of others–when they have been receiving such alarmingly confusing messages for their entire lives?

So next time you see that girl going into school when you drop off your own daughter or son–you know which girl I mean: the one wearing a thong, a plunging neckline, a pushup bra, and very short shorts–if the “s” word comes into your mind when you see her, please rewind. Think about what was going through her mind when she got up in the morning. Were her thoughts a rational consideration regarding her healthy relationship with her body and her sexuality? Or are her sartorial choices a desperate attempt as an adolescent girl to feel good about herself by looking into the reflection in the eyes she has learned to value the most–boys?

Stay tuned for more on the word “slut,” which is one of probably 3 words that have been banned from my home.